I could not stop crying in the middle of the night, and did not want to. I took a pencil out writing of what I dreamt about last night. It dreamt very much like a sad novel, but retained the unforgettable and unmistakable gravity of truth. The dream packed a very powerful emotion which punched my face painfully. This woke me up but the reality did not. I look in the mirror, seeing myself, and always say » everything’s gonna be alright » with all the tears coming down like nothing happened. Most people never imagine of how they die, but I do. I’d love to change the shape of how I die. This sounds crazy, right?
Dozens of pictures of a couple at home, eating out in the restaurants, at the beach and with family were posted on their accounts. On Top’s, Top’s my girlfriend’s name, Facebook page, nothing seemed to have been amiss as she posted that she was talking with bébé, which is me, and said she was getting ready for the happy-ending celebration, which was actually her wedding party.
Top and I were a lesbian couple for 3 years. 3 Weeks before her wedding, Top told me she was forced to be engaged and gotten married in 3 weeks. She asked me what she could do, and said she could not live without me. “Look at your stupid life. See how it hurts everyone around you. Open your eyes before it’s too late. You have destroyed this family & my future grandchildren. Stop being that stupid lesbian, and be normal one.” Top documented what her father’d blamed her. It’s actually a really sad story that her own relationship with her family has been broken while she was just trying to do what her heart seeked for. Isn’t it funny “religious freedom and liberty” doesn’t include gay people’s right to live their lives free of the liberated from other people’s religious beliefs? 2 hours before the murder suicide happened, Top called me and told me she loved me. She asked me if I believed in rebirth. That was bizarre. I replied “yes, I do”. “Good”, she said. I did not suspect any murder would happen since she laughed and said she’d kick her husband if he dared to touch her a tap.
Until at 11:50pm, she spoke out “What a long goodbye, dear..! I do not want to lose you but I can’t go on. I have to give up since you already know that the world is so unfair. The world created a love that cannot be shared, but as you go your own way and I have to go mine. Perhaps it’s our fate. I don’t want to run away, but I don’t want to be alone. Only if I leave, everything would be better. Promise me that you would live and make children! I don’t want to hang up but can’t do. Would you kiss me, bébé? ». The phone was hanged up. I tried to called her but unavailable. I left home in that night to her house with my Brother, Tit. I could hear a noised of men in front of Top’s house. I was pale but I whispered to myself that everything would be fine. Arriving there, I could see a dead body covered with white cloth. My heart pounded faster and faster. Oh, gosh; a white small pity face with the bruise around the neck and tears in the eyes, and dressed in Khmer traditional costume is her face, Top’s face, lying down on the floor.
I cried, cried & cried, and I shouted, shouted & shouted. Top didn’t answer me. For few minutes passed, I was unconscious.
Mid-night again, I woke up. I wished everything was just a dream but.. I am writing letter now.