IMG_1437My cousin, Phawon, was an innocent, happy and intelligent boy with an obedience and gentleness who’d always wanted to be « writer« . But because of his mother(I would say), he left us yesterday night by jumping of the bridge onto a busy road. His personal dairies are filled with « Self-hate« . I can still smell the fresh pain from his last words « You know, Mum hates gays, even God hates gays too. God sends gays to hell. Tit, you know it really scares me when they are talking about me. » Even to repeat what he said, my tear rolls down my face. His death has a heavy impact on his family and his relatives who truly loved him.

This sounds stupid but the story is is: As Phawon grew into adolescence, he discovered that he was attracted to other teenage boys and not girls. Because he was raised in Christain family and was taught  that being gay is a sin that can’t be accepted. He couldn’t hide anyone to find out that he was not straight. So he told his mother during his 18th birthday. And of course, his mother didn’t accept this. The problem started from that on. I donno anything about what happened next but until last week, he went back home to visit his mother for his 20th birthday, his mother said she had no gay son.

Dear cousin,

Days are terrible, nights are better. I´m still trying to sleep, so time will go by faster. Than I can forget  what you have done to us. Every morning I wake up, I always think it’s just a dream but it’s not. So do show youself. I can’t bear this lie any longer. You’re gonna come back soon, right? Can you still remember that you promised you would bring me to New York next year once I get there? I’ll be there in the next 4 weeks, maybe. So you must come back. You can’t leave like this. You can leave after you’re allowed to go.  Please, don’t leave. Please, come back. I’ll promise I’ll never fight with you again. I have to admit that it hurts me badly when you leave. Please, don’t. You win. It really scares me when you don’t say a word like that. So turn on your phone. I am now calling you. By the way, you’ve always wanted to see beautiful sunset & sunrise. Let’s do it.

From Tit,
I love you and my biggest desire is your return.

Note: This is a true story. I can’t explain you well since my English is terrible, but everything is caused by his mother. I wanna say « I hate her ».

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