I am a fag!

IMG_1511hjhThis question have just asked me  recently. From time that I cousin, Phawon, died. When I was a boy in high school, I was like everyone else. The thing was that I didn’t have girlfriends(just two) untillI I finished high-school. I really felt I was in love with a girl who later get married. Recently, I felt  sth else – sth that drives me me crazy. I am attracted to men. I have to admit that I love my cousin. It’s an amour feeling. Things that I used to feel toward girls has changed. I started masturbate for a long long time but now fantasized about boys. I also looked at gay pornography. Once I even had oral sex with an American guy (I won’t go into details, since that is not nice to say). I felt good. I feel disgusting now at what I did, and at myself too. I am trying to check internet, to go the hospital for the treatment, but it doesn’t work. Why am I like this??  I can still remember when I was 13-14. I was on a porn web. Then I saw two girls doing it, and I was like, whoa! I never knew girls could do that!! All I thought was wow; they can do.
Now, I think i hate myself. I don’t wanna live anymore. What should I do? I am afraid that my friends would hate me. My parents would be disappounted. Hmmm

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